Amusing story which exemplifies the complexity of my life.....
Have a couple months off from my night job. Since January this job has totally put the kibosh on my social life since every weekday evening that I don't have my kids and could go somewhere I have been working. Their dad has enjoyed the extra time with them and requested it not change too much over the summer so I'll have Thursday nights free for a couple months, which will be nice.
So about a week ago a friend tells me there is a meeting/get together for the CT chapter of NORML (National Organization to Reform Marijuana Laws). I thought this seemed like a fun way to kick off my summer Thursdays; learn more about the cause and meet some interesting people/make new social connections. It was being held at a bar in New Haven I've been to once and really liked, wouldn't mind going back, not to mention you gotta figure someone there would have REALLY good herb they're willing to share, right? Not so much. It was more of a meeting for people who are serious about becoming political activists for the legalization of marijuana in CT. While I do take a personal interest in this (have signed all the petitions circulating the internet, sent letters to my state rep's etc), I was attending more for a social experience since my ability to do any more than I already have is limited.
Why, you ask? Because I have a 17 year old daughter who, because of where I was at in my life mentally/emotionally/spiritually, I raised in accordance with strict Judao/Christian family values. So; monogamy, abstinence until marriage (ideally), abiding by the laws of the land, mind altering substances are dangerous and un-Godly, etc. This is not how I was raised, but I hit my early teens and all this guilt and fear emerged. I was looking for answers or someone to reassure me that I'm OK and I'll be allright. I'm on the slow road to recovery as I've started to become reacquainted with who I am at my core and learning to accept and embrace that. I realize now that there are some things I can control and I should exercise what powers I have, while staying balanced, and the rest is up to chance; I can't spend my time worrying or praying about it. I just hope I can roll with the punches and learn something. But back then I was just teaching her what I thought "good" "Christian" parents were supposed to teach their kids. Apparently she took all of my lectures to heart, who knew! Guess I should feel honored that she really does respect me that much, but now what do I do?! Tell her I was wrong? I've tried to explain the changes that I'm going through to her and why I feel differently about a lot of things now but she hasn't been receptive, at all. I can imagine it makes her feel a bit insecure that "Mom" is changing. I'm supposed to be her rock and by definition that means steadfast and predictable. I'm sorry that my mid-life crisis is happening at the same time as your identity crisis Justine!!
So anyway, the fact that my boyfriend and I enjoy the devils lettuce on a regular basis is something I've felt the need to keep hidden from my daughter... it's not easy. We have code names and phrases and we exclusively do it in the garden shed which is like our adult clubhouse the kids are not allowed in (pad locked). As I awkwardly try to mingle with the crowd at the NORML meeting, I only succeed in giving this long winded apologetic speech to this unusually tall and very intelligent man about how I wish I could do more but I have this teenage daughter... blah blah. I don't think he understood my plight. The three of us decided to leave, go back to my house and "visit the shed". Justine had txt me an hour earlier asking me when I'd be home, so I assumed she must be home alone and bored. She could (should) go to her dad's for the night with her sisters when they go but often chooses to stay home. It was 10:30, we snuck around the back of the house to the shed, being especially quiet as we passed her bedroom window. We enjoyed a puff, had some deep conversation, then decided it was time for bed.
It's wicked hot and humid, we debate over putting the air conditioner in but end up deciding we're too stoned and the unit is too damn heavy; we'll just sleep naked and do it tomorrow. We turn all the lights off, lock all the doors. Cory says he's going to brush his teeth. Less than a minute later I hear a sound at the back door off the kitchen, "what is he doing out there?" I walk into the kitchen in my underwear, topless (no one else is there except Justine and I figure she's sleeping, she's the only one with an air conditioner as of yet), and turn on the kitchen light. I hear Justine's voice say, "Aaahhh, MOOOOM, NOOOO!" It's her and her boyfriend trying to unlock the back door in the dark. They were almost in when I turned on the light and gave them an eye full. Apparently she WAS NOT home. I usually check her room before I go to bed every night, just to peek in and say goodnight. I failed this night. Was it because I was under the influence? Great, I'm a drugged, neglectful mom and now I'm prancing around naked in front of my kids (boy)friends. Cory comes out of the bathroom in his underwear and realizes what happened, "We weren't doing anything Justine, we were just getting ready for bed!" Thanks Cory, even if we did get caught in the act I don't think we need to blurt out a quick excuse; we're the parents she's the kid, remember? Sometimes it's hard to tell around here....
Sorry Justine, I'll cover you're future therapy expenses.
Rolling with the punches,
Miss Z
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