Filling the Void

Experienced a moment of self awareness today... thought I would share.

La Leche League meeting this morning.  A woman came who I had spoken with on the phone a couple times about some problems she was having, but this was the first month she was able to make it to a meeting.  She right away thanked me for the advice I had given her and expressed how excited she was to finally be meeting me because I had helped her so much.  I realized how true it is what those psychology studies I've read about say; what makes people truly happy is healthy relationships and helping others.  Even though I'm not breastfeeding anymore, this is the reason I continue to volunteer my time to help women who are.  It was only a few years ago that I remember my husband becoming disgruntled over my getting involved in LLL.  He said it was "taking time away from the family".  I think what he felt threatened by was the realization that I could think and do things that didn't have to do with him; I was asserting my own identity, separate from him. 

At remembering this I had a sudden rush of pride over what I've accomplished in the last few years... and over my entire life so far.  I also felt a great sense of satisfaction with the life I'm living right now.  As crazy as it is sometimes, I'm living the life I want. 

I saw myself just a year ago, on the dating scene.  I felt driven to date, partly because I had never gotten to do that (I met my husband when I was only 15) and partly because I felt this gaping void of not having someone to reflect off of and form my identity by.  See, pouring my soul into a long term relationship at only 15 caused me to quite literally become a "girl interrupted".  Not to mention taking on the identity of "mom" at only 17.  I realized most of my identity was wrapped up in him, even my belief system (THAT was a toughy, and the subject of a whole other, much longer blog).  So, after the divorce I felt completely.... lost.  I searched for someone to tell me who this new person was, so I could put the pieces back together in some way that made sense.


I could have not found anyone, interestingly enough I found a younger man, who doesn't tell me who to be and our relationship makes me feel free to explore that without judgment.  It's like God knew what I needed, but seeing I was hell bent on doing it my way gave me someone who would not interfere with His work in me.  ("God" and "His" only representing the existence of some divine order in the universe, not necessarily the God of the Bible... just to clarify).  So now i'm filling that void with.... myself.  Whatever I want to be, whatever I want to do... I can.  Just a simple change in mindset has opened up so many possibilities to me, and yet i'm the exact same person! 

As I hear my 17 yr old daughter arguing on the phone with her boyfriend in the next room I'm saddened that she seems to be making the same mistake.  And then I again realize, there is no right answer; wherever you find yourself is good and has a purpose.  She'll figure it out.  I can only keep living true to myself and hope that I'm being a good example, although I'm prepared for her not to admit it for another several years ;)

ttfn,
Miss Z