worm hole to the truth of my existence

Ever have a reacurring dream? I only have 4 that I can remember; the one where I miss the bus, show up to school half naked and have to go potty in a bathroom stall with 3 ft high walls, then there's the one about the red house/barn on the country road (that's all I remember bout that one) then one where I'm living in a house and suddenly discover it has secret rooms and whole living spaces I hadn't known about.. then there's the one I had last night.
When I'm in the dream I realize I've had it before, but by the time I wake up I forget it and don't realize it's recurring until the next time i'm dreaming it, but when I wake up I forget about it again... This ever happen to anyone else? Anyway, I woke up this morning remembering and was astonished. In the dream I embark on a secret passageway. This changes (much like the house with the secret rooms) it could be indoors one time I dream it and outdoors in the woods another time, but all the same it's a secret path and I'm traveling it for the same reason. Every time it seems like a long journey, and it feels like one I don't make very often because I have to think about "ok go through this door, turn here" etc. I remember the way half by landmarks and half by instinct. For instance, last night I was traveling indoors, and I had to move a refrigerator to get through one of the doors I needed to pass through. I was in some random persons house moving their refrigerator to get through a secret door and they weren't very pleased I had to make haste because they were yelling at me. It's always like that; a little risky, a little frightening and takes several hours to reach my destination, on foot.
When I reach where I'm going, it never seems very climactic and usually I just turn around and head back! Never really discovering any reason for going in the first place, I just seem to be compelled to make this journey. Often I'm showing someone else the way (I'm alone only about half the times I dream it) but end up having no real purpose in showing them it's just like "Ok we're here", then we go back.
Well last night, I got to the end of the passageway, with my companion, and stopped to look around. I found myself in a room filled with lost objects from my childhood. Things I remember my mother, grandmother or great grandmother having in their homes when I was small. It seemed literally like a consignment shop, or maybe a storage unit, filled with the earliest memories from my childhood. It suddenly occurred to me why I had come; I was there to take things I needed for my new apartment. I had the sense I was starting over from scratch and had nothing. I was going to take some long lost relics from the past and put them back into use. I browsed the room picking out items I wanted, with total confidence in my right to these things and feeling an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and a calming comfort in these objects; like sitting in the warm lap of my great grandmother as she rocked me and sang me a lullaby. I felt at total peace with my past, like all was right and I ended up right where I belonged.
That's the best I can describe it. One of those dreams you hope you have again. Feels like I'm on the brink of discovering something really deep and revealing about myself lately; some missing piece that will make everything clear.... help me to unlock my true potential, my purpose. Dunno if any one else ever thinks bout stuff like this... may sound like the ramblings of a schizophrenic :p

Abyss diving enigma pondering,
Miss Z

Parenting Breakthrough

It's been slow progress launching my eldest into adulthood. I was so different from her; in such a rush to grow up when I was younger. When I became pregnant my mother completely handed me the ball, and I'll forever thank her for that. At the same time, I grew up with financial anxiety; between a struggling single mother and the influence of a great grandmother who lived like she was still surviving the great depression, my money was always on my mind. I vowed never to let my children feel like I may not be able to provide them with everything they needed and almost anything they wanted. So now as the parent of a teenager, I find myself caught between these two objectives; wanting to teach my daughter responsibility and how to fend for herself, but not wanting her to feel that she's totally on her own and that I can still care for her. This has been an ongoing battle over the last couple years.

I gave myself a little pat on the back when I finally got her to get her drivers license, but since then getting her to find a part time job has been the new hurdle. She said she was too busy with school and field hockey last year, then she quit field hockey and said school alone was just too hard and she'd wait till the summer then when the summer came she said she couldn't really commit to anything because she had all these plans throughout the summer (going to Block Island with her boyfriend, etc). So here we are, end of August and school about to start again and she's still making excuses. I gave her money for back to school shopping because afterall she's still in high school, living with me, I'm responsible for her and I would have felt guilty if I said "no". Then she worked at my mothers restaurant a few days the following week, made a decent weeks pay (for a teenager) went to the mall and bought herself more new stuff and even a birthday gift for her friend! I didn't say anything but made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be giving anymore handouts until Christmas.

So a few days ago she mentioned her friends were going out to dinner and invited her, but she had no money, could she borrow some.  I pointed out that she had money a week ago and spent it and still owed me for half the price of the pricey sneakers I bought her. She squirmed and looked away in discomfort of being confronted with her financial irresponsibility. I knew that she knew that I knew, and she knew too.... I confidently said, "Sorry Charlie, no can do", and walked away, end of convo. What did I encounter an hour later? Her sitting at the table circling ads in the Help Wanted section! She returned some expensive make-up she had bought so she had the money to go out to dinner with her friends, then the next day, went down to Leo's and applied for a waitress position! :D

Whats the moral of the story here guys? Balance of course! Parenting is a careful balancing act between your deep love for your child (be aware, some of that may be guilt your still dealing with from your childhood) and the duty to raise them to be a responsible and contributing member of society. I sighed a deep breath of relief this week that I seem to be keeping it in balance.
Loving life, keeping it real,
Mzzz Z

Grad School Application Essay

OK, I think this is MUCH better than my original, highly autobiographical and a bit TMI on some pretty personal stuff. Again, feedback is appreciated :)

.My name is Erin Zaffis and I’m applying to the Integrated Health and Healing program. Having worked as a registered nurse for the last 12 years, added to a life-long interest in environmental issues, has caused me to feel that in the very near future health care will become highly focused on health promotion, disease prevention and natural alternatives to the current expensive and often toxic therapies. I will explain why I firmly believe this, but first, I’d like to give you a little history about myself; the story of how I got to where I am today is an interesting one. I’ll attempt to keep it short and pertinent.

     People have always told me I have a creative mind. If that’s true, and I think it is, I would deny that this is solely the work of genetics and point to my upbringing; five key years of which were spent in Northern California. It was my sister, my (single) mother and I living in a coastal town about 50-plus miles north of San Francisco. We were far away and secluded from any highways, malls, theme parks, Chuck E. Cheese’s and most other trademarks of modern American culture. My eyes and my heart absorbed the beauty and diversity of this place; ocean, sand, tide pools full of cold water marine life, rocky cliffs topped with hardy grass and native succulents, foggy mornings, redwood forests and colorful townspeople with contrasting lifestyles and views. I had an insatiable curiosity which turned the one acre forest in our back yard into my personal school and laboratory. Once I discovered the freedom that learning how to ride on two wheels brought me, the small town became my very own Disney World. I explored every corner of it finding new secrets, treasures and pleasures. Did I mention we had no television? I’m forever grateful that for those years my mother and nature were my greatest teachers rather than numerous American advertising executives. I became a doer and an independent thinker. I’m still not sure exactly what switch flipped when we moved back to New England. We returned to our quiet farm town to find it quickly transforming into a wealthy suburb. I suppose this culture shock introduced at a vulnerable time in my life (early teens) caused me to feel a bit lost. At 15 I met a boy and “fell in love”. Before I was able to develop the vision of the adult I wanted to become, I threw my whole identity into who I would become with this person. It was no surprise I was pregnant at 16 and a mother by 17.

Within the first year after my daughter was born I came to the realization that in order to adequately support her I would need a college education. My high school guidance counselor pointed me in the direction of nursing, with its boasts of a growing job market, flexibility and good pay. I enjoyed people and excelled in science, so logically it seemed like a good fit. I also had a personal interest in childbirth; the birth of my daughter was somewhat traumatic and left me feeling abused by the health care system. I saw an opportunity, as a maternity nurse, to create positive change. I’m not sure what my drive and tenacity can be attributed to; I suppose that’s where genetics comes into play. Statistically it is unlikely that teenage mothers will attain their college degree, and yet after 4 years (and a summer) I had earned my Bachelor’s in Nursing, graduating with honors. By this time my daughter was ready to start kindergarten and her father and I had gotten married.

I struggled with my new career as a nurse. I didn’t feel I fit in with the hardened and cynical women who ruled the hospital floors and I also didn’t feel I was helping any of my patients with their countless prescribed medications and expensive diagnostic tests; few of them ever seemed to get better. Their hopeless conditions mirrored my hopelessness for a comfortable niche in the profession I had chosen. Just as I was ready to give up on nursing, I landed the job I had desired, on the maternity floor. My new role as health promoter and educator suited me much better, but I found myself frustrated with the maternity care system, which I began to see as wasteful, borderline barbaric, and very reluctant to change.

Everything started to turn around after the birth of my second daughter; when I was offered a position at the natural birthing center adjacent to the maternity floor (where I had birthed her). Finally I was doing something I truly believed in; assisting with births that were treated as a beautiful, spiritual, natural female rite of passage and not as a surgical procedure. I started reading up on midwifery and natural childbirth. I took over teaching classes that the midwives previously taught and reorganized the birthing and supplies rooms to make our work easier. Within 4 years I went from a per diem position, to the (only) full time on-call position, to manager of the small unit. I also became a La Leche League Leader after the birth of my third daughter. I was taking on more of a leadership role and slowly gaining confidence in my abilities as a nurse, collaborator and educator. As I was building my career and my confidence grew, so did the widening rift between my spouse and I. I decided to file for divorce in early 2009; I still revere this as the hardest decision of my life. By that August I was moved out on my own, with my 3 girls now ages 15, 7 and 3.

At 32 years old, this was my first time ever living on my own; truly independent and not accountable to any other adult. I embraced the freedom like a prisoner released after half a lifetime. The world was suddenly all new to me and wide open calling for me to taste of all that I had missed out on. It was like the 32 year old me went back in time, took the 15 year olds hand and said, “Ok now, we’ve been stalling for too many years, it’s time to find out who we really are.” Today I am humored to find myself gone full circle, right in the place I feel I started; a curious and experimental child of the earth, finding great inspiration in nature and learning great respect for it. I’ve taken another look at my roots; what I was taught when I lived in Northern California from the many conservationists (aka, “tree huggers”) who resided there. Looking at the world from an environmental standpoint has given me a very different perspective. I see humans living in total disconnect from their planet, as if they’ve been transported to another (Hollywood) dimension where life endlessly endures no matter what; there is no cause and effect, no consequences. I see a world where instant gratification has led to perpetual dissatisfaction and the never ending pursuit of happiness through the acquisition of things. I would love to be a catalyst for change; to help people break out of this cycle of consumption, debt, sickness, sadness and more consumption.

I took a weekend seminar in March of this year on “Transition Initiative”, a movement that began in England and is now spreading to all industrialized civilizations across the globe. “Transition” is a movement based on the reality of growing populations and higher standards of living coupled with limited resources. It takes a serious look at how we might face the challenges of the future, having spent the last 50 years in denial of our confinement on this one planet. I have decided to have hope for the human race; believing we can drastically change our thinking and find a way to pull together and create a future that is actually better than the current state of affairs. Concerning health care, as we move towards sustainable communities it is reasonable to believe people may naturally be healthier; consuming less processed foods. For what conditions still linger, we will have to develop new, less energy consumptive methods of treatment. It is exciting when I think of how we might combine effective ancient health care practices with the knowledge we’ve gained through years of medical research that industrialization has afforded us.  I also came to the realization that in the future people will most likely be living closer to each other, as transportation becomes more expensive. Mental health care will become very important in newly compacted communities. So, as you can see, it seems logical that health care will naturally trend towards a more holistic approach.

I consider myself lucky that I am able to identify, accept, and (hopefully) embrace the drastic changes we face over the next 20 years, but I realize I am the minority. I have given much thought to how the majority might be gently guided towards necessary changes in their attitudes and lifestyles. I have decided to lean towards health promotion, which is already gaining popularity, taking the stance that personal health and the environment are two matters that really cannot be removed from one another. I am working on an idea to combine my two passions by inspiring people to take up bicycling, which naturally merges needed exercise with sustainable transportation. Like other activities I enjoyed in my youth (nature, art, music) I have taken up cycling again and have developed a real passion for it. City people are comfortable on 2 wheels but I’m discovering suburban folks are not and I’d like to start locally by offering beginner classes in cycling. I am collaborating with a local bike shop owner to offer these classes starting in the spring. I've also started a blog (thegreenbikeblog.blogspot.com) and have a website in the works. I’d really like to see where this could go.

In conclusion, I see my education through The Graduate Institute helping me in any direction I choose to take; as a continuing member of a health care team or as an entrepreneur. In either event, my ultimate goal in life has always been to be a positive influence; on the lives of individuals, on the world as a whole, and probably most importantly, as a role model for my three amazing daughters.

The Green Bike Blog: This blog is under construction!

The Green Bike Blog: This blog is under construction!: "Still working on it folks. Many ideas came and went in the course of 24 hours, hope to have it all sorted out by the end of the week and st..."

Seasonal "Meatless Monday"

RECIPE ALERT
But as you know you are rarely going to get a broken down, step by step recipe from me.  I don't really use them either, and when I create in the kitchen and it comes out good I have to sit there thinking "what the heck did I put in this?"  This particular time, the meal was half eaten before I realized it was so good I should blog about it! So, sorry this isn't the best pic:

What is it, you ask? A concoction of veggies we got from our garden! Spaghetti squash and zucchini roasted in the oven then shredded. Topped that off with cauliflower, broccoli and kale sauteed with olive oil and garlic, mixed up with a few Tbsp raw pesto I had made a few days ago (basil, olive oil, garlic, raw cashews, raw pine nuts, lemon juice).  Sliced up some sun dried tomatoes and threw those on there along with some sea salt and some mock Parmesan cheese (raw cashews, garlic, sea salt processed to a grated Parmesan consistency- so easy and great way to make a vegan cheese topping!).  Cory used regular Parmesan cheese and insisted that was better, and also convinced me to put a few dashes of hot sauce on there- he puts hot sauce on almost everything, but yeah it was good.

they paved paradise......

I want to start off by saying I'm extremely thankful that I got to go on a vacation to Florida for the second year in a row. Getting out of town and having new experiences is good for me and my kids, my grandparents are great, I love Florida beaches....
However, my vacation this year was a bit overshadowed by 2 things:
1. Apprehension about leaving my kids with my grandparents in FL and not seeing them for 2 weeks (which was kinda the point of the vacation in the first place- my grandmothers idea) and
2. Uneasy feeling about the sights I saw as I once again made this 1200 mile road trip down the east coast of our country.

I decided to write a little poem to express how I feel.... here goes.

Super Target, Waffle House, Lowe's.
IHop, Walmart and Home Depot's
Next exit, take your pick
Sports Authority or Dicks
$49 per night, mini fridge, indoor pool
Try a "Coconut Frappuccino" to keep you cool
Cement, concrete, billboards so tall
Gas stations, Cracker Barrel's, countless strip-malls

We keep you running, we're what you need
Your need to belong is what we feed.
Cookie cutter, bread and butter, you've had us before, why trust another?
Come mobs of zombies, come herds of sheep
Just try some Ambien to help you sleep
Rest your head, and forget the memories
Of purple mountains majesties
Of spacious skies, for amber waves of grain
Is there even such thing anymore as a fruited plain?
Since the mighty corporation did decree
This jungle of asphalt and edifice
From sea to shining sea

Jaded,
Miss Z

Thinking Outloud; Defining the Vision

Been battling some career indecision lately.  I knew half way through nursing school that I wasn't meant to be a nurse, and it's only been confirmed to me again and again since then.  I lucked out big time with my current job which has kept me in the nursing field, against all odds, for the last 8 years.  But my luck slowly started running out when they sacrificed our CABC (Commission for the Accreditation of Birthing Centers) accreditation 5 years ago due to budget cuts.  Now every year I feel closer and closer to the hospital floor; I've had to incorporate more and more of their policies and procedures in my work at the Birthplace, which is really starting to ruin the whole happy hippie family vibe which I loved so much. I feel in my gut that my time there will be coming to an end, probably sometime in the next year or two....

So what next? I feel like I have this one precious year to figure out the answer to this question; all my kids will be in school full days and I will continue to be on-call for the birthplace, but that usually means I'll just be... home.  I will NOT be eating bon-bons, getting hooked on daytime soaps or playing farmville.  I will be directing my energies towards embarking on the next phase of my purpose... whatever that is :-/ 

I know this: I am a teacher.  But what will I be teaching? And will I be able to earn enough to maintain my humble, yet comfortable, lifestyle? I feel somewhat ashamed to admit; I've NEVER worked a 40 hr/week job.  This is most definitely because I've had kids since I was old enough to have a job, but also because I haven't yet found something I could bear doing for 40 hours/week.  Some (most?) people accept work as work, earn their money and use it to make the best of their weekends and vacation time.  I can't do this.  I've known for a long time that I was meant for something significant....... "Significant" is the only way I can describe it, and I suppose that is almost an entirely subjective term, haha.

Think I may go back to school in the fall.  Going to attend an open house at The Graduate Institute next month.  They have Masters Degree programs in "emerging fields of study", such as, "Learning and Thinking" and "Conscious Evolution" (yes, you can get a masters degree in that!!).  I figure if i want to be the sort of teacher that works for someone else (a school) all I need is a masters degree, any masters degree, to do that, wha-la! And if I decide to start my own business, it would be this kind of self actualization and exploration that might help me to do that......

Feedback?
Sorry this may be boring to all but 2 or 3 of my friends! Help, good friends, help!
Miss Z