Been thinking a lot over the past year about my childhood. Feel intuitively that it went wrong somewhere... but just can't place my finger on it and its really beginning to frustrate me. Id really like to know; does EVERYONE struggle so much with their self image? Is it just me who always secretly feels this constant yearning to do more, be more, and at the same time a constant, barely audible voice that says, "You're not meant for that, you aren't good enough", like an opposing force that keeps me down, an internal gravity. Does everyone feel this way or is it specific to me? Either way I'm extremely curious; if everyone has this inner saboteur, where the heck does that come from?! (See previous blog I wrote on evolution, maybe...). If it's just me, why am I this way?
So I've been pondering and pondering my childhood. You'd think one would have unlimited access to their own childhood, I mean, I was there, I experienced it so I should be able to remember what went wrong. It isn't that easy, for anybody, I'm sure. There are years and years of memories and most of them now have no emotion attached to it; it's like a movie you watch in your head, about someone else, although you know it happened to you it isn't happening now, so it doesn't feel so relevant. The past is funny like that; it no doubt shaped who we are today, and yet it's over and gone, it no longer exists. I think and think, seeking for my little saboteur.... where are you?!! And once I find you, then what?
Thinking about childhood has given me an interesting perspective that I think most adults have long forgotten. I try to put myself back there; what did it feel like to be a child? I try to bring back the emotions. When I really meditate on it, I can feel the vibrations of young life, the wiggles. I can't find any articles online to support the idea that children vibrate, but if you concentrate on the feeling of childhood... you can feel it. Each day was brimming with anticipation, an opportunity to learn and experience something new, the possibilities were endless and at the same time, who thought about possibilities? Anything is possible! Then, at some point, you start to be depressingly aware of limitations; you want to go to the movies but no one can drive you, you want to buy a toy but you don't have enough allowance saved, etc. Experts say putting limits on children helps them feel secure, and when I became a young mother I believed that. I thought, "my mother was too lenient, that's why I lack self esteem". So, are limitations nurturing, or damaging? Everyone experiences them, which brings me back to my original question.... is everyone damaged by limitations enforced by our modern day civilization/society? Possibly, but lets just assume again that I have an extra portion of self doubt, specific to me.
I had this crazy, scary experience a few months ago where I smoked some "herbs" or "incense", ya know, like Demi More's recent experience, if you didn't read about it google it, I read the extended story in Peoples magazine while waiting to see the periodontist.... Anyway, there are some currently legal "herbs" you can buy at a head shop; not marijuana but a similar high... unless you inhale a bit too much, which I did one evening. I had this panicked, edge of life and death experience (maybe I was on the verge of losing consciousness and convulsing, like Demi did, although I think her overall poor health had more to do with her episode than the drug) followed by some pretty dramatic/emotional dives into my childhood memory bank. I became my 9/10 year old self, literally, in my mind I was there, and the one resonating theme of emotion I experienced was self doubt, specifically the thought that I was ugly. Why did I think I was ugly, and why did/does that still seem to affect my feelings of self worth and potential?
My bad trip seemed like a breakthrough but I'm still at a bit of a loss at what to do with that information.... Obviously I was mirroring my mother's insecurities, and/or was a victim of corporate advertising and the media's emphasis on physical perfection, aren't most women? Don't most of us feel pressured to attain this image of perfection that is truly unattainable for 99% of the female population? And all the while it's a fact that men (assuming that's who we feel the need to look perfect for) are not as obsessed with this perfection as we are anyway? All this is information I know now, so why would a childhood insecurity have this great of an impact on my current psyche? "I'm ugly" goes a bit deeper for me, possibly?
I'd really like to hear other peoples feelings on this; self doubt, insecurity, if you know you have it and you know where it came from, please share :) And if anyone has figured out what to do with that information, i'd love to hear!
Humbly yours :P
Miss Z
